Pulling the Trigger
by dark-kagome2
Summary: A song fic to Shinedown's .45. About the emotional damage Eiri went through when Kitazawa betrayed him. Oneshot


Summary: A quick peek into Eiri's mind after the New York incident. A song fic.

Disclaimer: No matter how hard I try I just can't get the rights to Gravitation.. so don't sue :P

Warnings: lesse...Rape, murder, suicide, mentions yaoi, and uh.. swearing.

Author's Notes: Okay, so I can't read Japanese and I refuse to watch the anime until I've read the manga (plus I think the animation is not as good as it could have been) but that only goes so far in English! All I know about about New York is what I read online and have heard for the past year about it. Don't get mad if my facts are screwy .

Eiri Uesugi watched Yuki down his.... 7th, or was it the 10th bottle? He'd lost track. His laid back mentor was normally the epitome of kindness, but when he began to drink he got... a little rough around the edges. Eiri had begged Yuki to stop drinking, he told him it would make them both happier. Yuki laughed off his pleads and simply told him that a drink every once and a while was very normal.

_Send away for a priceless gift; one not subtle, one not on the list_

Now him and Yuki were sitting in a bar, not as dingy as Eiri had seen before, and Yuki was chatting with some (in Eiri's opinion) questionable fellows that he had begun drinking with. Not only did his company seem questionable, but Eiri noticed the sickeningly fast rate the gentle gleam in Yuki's eyes was disappearing only to be replaced by the all to familiar sadistic gleam. Eiri trusted Yuki more than anyone, even Tohma, but seeing him so callous and even out right malevolent sent chills down his spine.

"Sensei? I do believe we should be leaving soon." Eiri ventured, trying to pry Yuki away from his glass of whiskey.

Yuki chuckled. "I know you have such a crush on me and wish the best for me but, Eiri, my dear, don't spoil my fun. The night has only just begun."

The lecherous manner Yuki had adopted was not lost on Eiri, neither was the subtle threat in his voice. It would not be the first time the man had taken advantage of his feelings towards him. Nor the last.

Despite his somewhat unrequited love for Yuki, Eiri never liked being forced into sex and it could be said that he feared Yuki in a drunken state.

_Send away for a perfect world, one not simply so absurd_

"Hey, Kitazawa, you and that boy an item?" one of the sordid men next to him inquired.

Throwing a glance back at Eiri, Yuki said, "Naw. Why? You guys want a piece of ass?"

Looking around Yuki the men took a look at the young man. Eiri squirmed under their boring eyes fully knowing the men were mentally fucking him. With his light hair and eyes, Eiri was quite a vision and could have easily passed for an American.

Early evening was waning into obscure hours. As further minutes passed with the drunken trio Eiri grew increasingly uncomfortable. The subtle glances thrown his way were becoming more frequent and the conversation was heading into a more sexual direction. What was even more disturbing to Eiri was that he was often the topic of the more obscene references.

Yuki Kitazawa was not one to play with the hearts of young boys. He was one to drink though, and he tended to turn into a completely different person when under the influence of a good Jack Daniel's. The men next to him seemed to want a piece of his young student. He snickered. Then again who wouldn't? On some nights all he wanted to do was bury his cock in the kid's ass. Every once in a while he indulged his libido.

Perhaps there was a way to sate all their appetites? Of course there was. Yuki was an intelligent man, the problem could be easily solved. Giving one last careless glance to the fidgeting youth beside him, Yuki made his proposal. He spoke in low tones as to not be heard by Eiri.

"Want a go at him, boys?" He raised his eyebrows in his most provocative manner while the other men's shot up in surprise at the offer.

"He willing?" the one questioned.

"Does it matter?" Yuki countered. This elicited a short laugh from one of the men.

"Rape is a mighty large charge to undergo. We may be alcoholics, but we're not criminals."

Yuki speculated for a moment. "Fine, here's ten bucks, I'll pay you to do it. I get to watch." He pulled a bill out of his jeans pocket.

The two men spoke amongst their selves for a brief moment before excepting the offer with a grin. Tucking the bill into his back pocket, one of the men slipped of the stool and stretched out stiff limbs. Yuki spun to face Eiri.

"Ready?"

Eiri let a sigh of relief escape. Thank god, they were going home. He nodded, not noticing the two men made no move to go their separate ways. Eiri hopped down from the stool and made his way to the side door- which he held for Yuki....and... the two men?

'Why are they coming with us?!' Eiri thought frantically, trying to think up a decent reason for them to come over. None of the excuses he could scrounge up were appropriate. He hoped to god they weren't going to sleep with his Yuki. He cared a great deal for the teacher, drunk or other wise. He'd hate to have to hear his teachers moans if they weren't for him.

As Eiri stepped out of the bar his eyes had to adjust to the little to no light in the narrow alley. He noticed that Yuki had stopped walking and had positioned him self against the opposing wall. The men were staring at him hungrily and began to walk towards him.

"Sensei?" Eiri's voiced cracked, revealing his suppressed fear.

Yuki laughed darkly, Eiri's fear was a great turn on for him and the kids aghast expression was near giving him a hard on. "You're going to have some great fun with these men. I was willing enough to share. Although it cost me ten dollars..." he added as an afterthought. "Just relax, maybe you'll enjoy it."

_In these times of doing what you're told, you keep these feelings, no one knows_

Eiri wildly searched the alley with his eyes for some other person, a savior perhaps. He inwardly cursed. It had to be at least three in the morning; no one would hear his screams.

One of the men had reached him and grabbed Eiri's wrists to prevent getting hit. He began to lean forward as if to kiss Eiri, but Eiri would not have some bastard stealing a kiss from him. He swung his head away from the man so that half of his face was pressed into the jutting wall.

"Kitazawa! You didn't tell me how spirited he was. I like 'im." Taking one of hands from Eiri's wrist, which was now thoroughly bruised, he held the boys head against the wall and stripped off his pants with the other hand. Still keeping Eiri firm against the wall the offender removed his own pants revealing a dripping erection. Eiri cringed, anticipating the pain that was inevitable. He doubted the man would use lubrication or properly prepare him. After all, who cared weather he got hurt or not? As long as they had their fuck they were easily satisfied.

Positioning his member between Eiri's legs, he adjusted his grip on the adolescent. With one violent thrust he was inside the boy, reveling in the sensation. Eiri cried out in pain. Hot tears pricked the corners of his eyes.

The man invading him moaned and began to thrust, slowly at first. With every ram Eiri felt like a shred of his dignity was lost, and he was desperately trying to hold on the few remaining pieces. Not only was his pride shattered before him, but the pain was unbearable as well. Every time the man went deeper into him Eiri felt as though he was being torn from the inside. He could feel a hot trickle making his way down his inner thigh. He knew it was blood. Not only there inner pain, but every time the rapist thrust his grip on Eiri tightened and Eiri was pounded backwards into the jutting wall.

Eiri could tell the man was close to climax as his thrusts became more frenzied and his breathing more labored. His tears never ceased but it was only now he looked up to find Yuki's eyes with his own. The expression on Yuki's face was that of desire and Eiri could seem his hand in his pants, presumably getting off on him being raped.

It was at that fleeting instant that Eiri Uesugi lost his sanity. It may have been the fact that the person he loved most had betrayed him, or the fact that a man he did not know was cumming in him, or the fact that he knew he was going to be raped again by the second man any minute. What ever the reason was, it was enough to beat any sanity from Eiri's head. No one knew that it would take close to six years before he regained a fragment of that sanity.

The tears ubruptly stopped and Eiri slumped, waiting patiently for the next onslaught. It came quick enough and was over just as fast. Eiri was stoic through it all and no longer protested to the sexuality being forced on him, only digested it with a coldness he had never possessed before. As the second man made his last thrust he let himself slide to the floor. Hearing a cry Eiri looked up to see Yuki as well sitting on the cold macadam of the alley. He was spent and had cum on his fingers. He was a revolting site.

_What ever happened to the young man's heart? _

_Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart..._

The anger that built up in Eiri was insatiable. It had no outlet and built as two incoherent thoughts flooded his mind. _Yuki betrayed me. Ten dollars......_ Looking down he noticed a shimmering object inside the slumped mans belt. A gun?

No thoughts were needed. Just a primal instinct for revenge and the hollow feeling in his heart was all Eiri needed to make his decision. Picking up the gun he walked over to Yuki. Yuki's eyes fluttered open and he smiled at Eiri.

"Have fun?"

Eiri's emotionless face twitched as a fresh stream of tears rolled down his other wise emotionless face.

"Ten fucking dollars....TEN FUCKING DOLLARS?!?!" Eiri's voice rose to an out of control shriek. He wasn't thinking. If he was maybe he could have stopped himself.

But it was too late, he was over the edge.

He could see just well enough to make out Yuki Kitazawa's blurred frame through his tears before he pulled the trigger.

_And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,  
Swimming through the ashes of another life_

Eiri awoke with a start and tried to recall why he was in Tohma Seguchi's house, in his bed, and wearing his pajamas.

'Oh, that's right. I was raped and...' Eiri inhaled sharply. He remembered falling into Tohma's arms, sobbing hysterically because...because... he had killed Yuki Kitazawa.

It wasn't the throbbing pain between his legs that hurt the most, nor the knowledge that he had been sold to two men by the person he loved most, it was the fact that he had taken matters into his own hands. That he had committed a crime so horrendous.

He could never forgive himself. How could he? He had gotten ridden of one of the few people that actually understood him. Loved him even.

'Then why did **he** do that to you? Let **them** do that to you?' asked his snide inner voice.

Life was over for Eiri Uesugi. There was no reason left for him to take another breath. No doubt he would be sent to jail, or better yet put to death. Even if he managed to evade punishment he would have to live with himself.

Every day. Every hour. Every minute.

Tohma Seguchi strode in as if he owned the world, Eiri would have chuckled had he not been head high in guilt; he probably could if he wanted to. Tohma could do anything.

"Are you okay, Eiri-kun?" His voice was laced with concern and the dark circles under his eyes were just barely visible on his flawless skin- proof that he had not slept.

"I killed him. I loved him, and I killed him." As the words left his mouth not a flicker of emotion passed his face. He had changed. At some point during his betrayal, Yuki had stolen Eiri's being, his soul. And now he was gone.

"Eiri-kun I don't want you to worry about this. I have the weapon right here-" and there it was sitting on the night stand. No proof that it had obliterated a life from being. "and I assure you that you will not be charged with anything."

Eiri nodded. The hollow feeling in side of him would not subside. It was eating him from the core out, consuming his very being.

As Tohma left the room Eiri's gaze shifted to the gun on the night stand next to him.

It could single-handedly stop the feeling of hollowness, numb the pain, help him repent for his sin.

He knew he was forsaken, why continue living?

_No real reason to accept the way things have changed..._

Eiri picked up the gun and aimed it straight at his left temple. Taking one last breath he mentally prepared himself for the blast.

_And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45..._

Tohma's thoughts and doubts were eating him alive. He didn't know if Eiri wanted solitude or companionship. He stood in silence with his forehead plastered to the door.

'Click'

'Well, that almost sounded like a gun' Tohma mused. Shit... he opened the door to find a pale Eiri about to pull the trigger on himself.

"Eiri!"

Tohma rushed over and pried the gun from the boy's hands. How stupid was he? Leaving a loaded gun in the hands of a mentally unstable man? God... What was even more disturbing was that when Tohma removed the gun from Eiri's grasp the boy simply glared at him with such intensity Tohma though he was going to combust. Did he wish himself dead that much?

"Eiri, I think it would be best if we returned to Japan and set up at a nice school. You could start over."

The boy gave no response, not even a facial expression. He just turned from Tohma and lay back down on the bed, as if he was going to sleep.

Eiri stood in the midst of a hazy storm. His figure was barely discernible in the down pour, but he could make out the words 'I hope to God that he's in heaven.' on the grave before him.

It was Yuki's, no doubt.

In the first class section of a commercial airplane sipping sake sat Seguchi Tohma. He was taking Eiri back to Japan.

He made no protests, but he didn't agree. In fact, Eiri said almost nothing since the funeral; at which he spoke in great lengths about Yuki.

Tohma gazed across the seat at the boy. A forlorn look glazed his out of focus eyes that watched the clouds beneath them from his window seat. A broken silhouette of a man at this point. He was a wreck. One you simply couldn't look away from.

Tohma had doubts if the boy could ever love again, or trust again. Ever since he found him in the alley the boy had distanced himself. With drawing into the recesses of his mind, he recoiled at anyone's touch and hid his emotions behind a façade of indifference.

It was not healthy, nor was it like him.

Send a message to the unborn child, keep your eyes open for a while.  
  
Six years later...

Eiri Yuki, the former Eiri Uesugi, lay in the after glow of fucking another brainless, self-absorbed blonde. They were all the same. Blood thirsty and ruthless, they expected the world famous author to be an easy nab for marriage; and in the process they nabbed his massive fortune.

Oh, too unfortunate for them he was not some senseless romance novelist with an insatiable need for his fictitious romance, as they all assumed. He was just as ruthless and self-absorbed as the rest of them. All he wanted was a good fuck, no commitment, and he was always in control.

Getting up from the he began to dress. He had more important things to do than lie around with this bimbo.

"Yuki-babe, where are you going?"

He flashed her a false smile "I have to work. I have a deadline. Want me to call tomorrow?"

Noticing the subtle hint the woman got up and put her discarded clothing on as well. "Yeah, that'd be nice."

Like he would ever see her again. The door clicked, automatically locking as she left. Eiri sat back down on the bed.

'Is this really what I've become? Some womanizing bastard who is always faking his way through life?'

His eyes flicked to the room at the end of the hall. Subconsciously his feet carried him to the door. Turning the doorknob he opened it wide enough to fit through. The unused room was stacked with books and carried a musty smell. Eiri walked over to the bookshelf in the farthest corner.

_In a box high up on the shelf is a piece of a puzzle known as life...wrapped in guilt sealed up tight..._

His expression faltered for a moment as he sorted through his thoughts. It didn't have to go any further than this. Just opening that box and taking out its contents... the pain could stop now.

During those six years since losing the most important person in his life, Eiri had never come across anything that came close to filling that void Yuki had left. The void grew vaster, and he contemplated suicide more frequently.

He had tried to forget, and managed most of the time. It was pathetic nights like this, when he didn't have the clicking of keys to keep him company, that he thought of such things as the past. Yuki Kitazawa. And most often, suicide.

What would the papers say? Would they be appalled that such a "sucessful" and "witty" bachelor would commit a sin that was so heavily frowned upon in Japanese society.

He needed out of this house. Yanking on a jacket, he took the route he assumed would be least likely to be occupied.

Eiri could not place a finger on exactly when he started smoking, but it was around the same time he let his hair grow, and when he got his left lobe pierced. Now was a moment when he craved a cigarette, a moment when he was doubting his control over a his existence.

He had learned that a nicotine fill could ease his nerves. It also kept his hands busy.

A piece of paper fluttered to his feet.

"Whoa! My lyrics! Hey, get back here!"

So much for not being disturbed. Eiri picked up what he assumed were the lyrics.

...Destiny is unstoppable

_I've tried laughter,_

_I've tried tears_

_But it always overpowers me_

_It doesn't care_

_A thing about my fears_

_It takes my love _

_And it devours me..._

Eiri didn't know what to do you. Laugh or scowl. He decided to scowl, it was better for his image.

"Did you write this?"

"Uh, yeah."

You write like you're at a third grade reading level. Is this drivel really your idea of a love song?" It was quite funny watching this kid's face contort into that of shock as he churned out the insults. Eiri actually felt the gap in him narrow just slightly. Make that very, very slightly.

"If I were you I'd consider learning a reliable trade."

Fin

A/N-- Yeah the torture is finally over. I just had to get the inspiration out of my head. And for those of you whiners that say Eiri isn't like that and he wouldn't feel that lost..blah blah blah.. here is a direct quote from his mouth. "I'm still me. You said it yourself. In fact you realized, before Seguchi, or Suguru or anyone else, that none of it matters. And know, I finally realize it too." See!! So he was lost! Shuichi made him realize the truth through it all . R &R!!


End file.
